Reconciling Our Pretty

How do you define yourself? We all do in some fashion albeit smart, funny, intelligent, helpful, or pretty. Out of all of the attributes we have to select as women, the most important tends to be “pretty.” Multi-million dollar industries are built upon our drive to be pretty from cosmetics to jewelry to spa trips that promise to refresh and rejuvenate. Scores of magazines, books, articles, and the media in general all provide ‘help’ for us to be pretty. And the pretty they are defining is based purely upon the outer shell. Now don’t get me wrong, there are indeed tons of self-help articles and books about self-worth which really are about finding the pretty on the inside, yes? But isn’t it true that if you don’t value your own appearance, looks, that is – oftentimes a causal effect is lower self-esteem? So really then the self-worth books selling by the droves are also geared toward being “pretty.” And how, you might ask, is pretty defined?

Popular culture defines it for us. Think about the advertisements you see and the bombardment of messages you receive implicitly as a result. Youthful, thin, toned, buxom, tanned, etc., etc., etc. – I could go on, but I don’t have too  as you already know what “pretty” is supposed to be. So what happens to us who are not model perfect? What happens to those who have less than perfect teeth? What about those who choose to wear glasses? What about women who are not reed thin? Or men with six pack abs and well-defined chests? And those of us who have lopsided smiles, dented chins, and crooked noses? Well guess what. We are the majority and have a voice in how we, that is society, define pretty.

How about we say pretty is those who strive to deliver their personal best rather than comparing themselves to others and coming up short. What if we decide that pretty is the resiliency to get back up over and over regardless of challenges life throws our way. We can also say pretty is wisdom to know our self-worth is more valuable than any relationship that does not support and celebrate our personal magnificence. And here’s another definition of pretty. It is the courage to stand up in the face of overwhelming unpopularity and do the right thing regardless of others’ opinions. Sum be told – pretty is, then, inherently intrinsic.

Don’t let anyone, including yourself; tell you that you aren’t “pretty.” Let’s reconcile our pretty to the beautiful inner you and let’s look at our outer shell as simply the icing on our cake. We can decorate it anyway we wish, but the true measure of its goodness is in how the ingredients are put together. It is the cake and not the icing that makes it (and most especially you) amazing. So how will you reconcile your pretty?

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When Hurt Spills Over

No matter how much you try, sometimes your temper and tongue escape you. It’s amazing, actually, that sometimes words just come out of your mouth and you seemingly have no control over the hurt that spills out across the Universe as a result of their harshness.  Perhaps this has never happened to you and if not, be proud of this fact. If however, you have had on occasion to say words that you wished you could recall, read on.

It’s been my experience that at the core of these events is pain and hurt which are deeply rooted in disappointment and disillusionment that have built up over a period of time. And after constantly tamping down your needs and desires to preserve the peace, live selflessly, be in denial, embrace guilt, or whatever the reason may be, these negative emotions eventually rise to the surface and bubble over. The remaining aftermath can be ugly. Consider the following steps to address this event, and beyond this, identify ways to prevent the loss of future emotional control.

First, let yourself off of the hook. Acknowledge that you are human and subject to make mistakes. Your harm, while not intentional, was as a result of the perceived hurt that you are experiencing. Second, make a sincere apology for your words and the damage they may have caused – clearly communicate this was not your intention.  You can be sorry for your words and the way they were expressed, but not for voicing your feelings. This is a method to assist in facilitating the realignment of your values. When we feel guilt, we are experiencing our own feelings as a result of violating our own values. Interestingly enough, when we feel shame, this is as a result of trespassing someone else’s values. It might be helpful to pause and consider this key point. Have you violated your values or someone else’s or both?

Third, use this as an opportunity to begin the conversation of why you are at this emotional tipping point. Tell the person of your past hurt and explain why you chose a passive, non-confrontational strategy to begin with. Agree to find another more positive solution for future issues and concerns so that next time, you are mindful of your words and are expressing them from a place caring and compassion. It’s important to remember that you have the power to choose your reaction to life’s challenges. Being thoughtful of your action’s will serve you well and set the tone for how you wish to be treated and to treat others.

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Why Life is Hard

I had a friend pose a question that caught my attention. She stated, “Why is life so hard?” This captured my attention as it’s one that many of us on occasion have asked.

Life is hard because we make it so. It is our reactions to people and events – that is how we chose to experience words or situations – which cause us to ‘believe’ life is hard. As an example, I’ve loved people throughout my lifetime that have had various emotional issues and sometimes were direct results of addictions. In these instances, there were many challenging scenarios to manage. As I look back, I realize that in all of the various difficult situations, I choose to experience and interpret specific situations as mine to fix. I accepted ownership because I thought that I should. No one ever told me that I didn’t have to own other people’s problems. So please let me explicitly state, you do not have to own other people’s emotional baggage, issues, addictions, and/or damages as a result of their choices. You can choose a different path by focusing on your own happiness and finding pleasure in the everyday.

Let yourself experience joy in the simple things in life. The natural provides many opportunities to experience pleasure – the sunset, a full moon, stargazing, a summer shower, a dove’s coo, a baby’s giggle, your children’s triumphs, sharing space with your best friends, and how about just sitting in simple solitude.  These things cost nothing, and the payoffs are immeasurable.

Take an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful for the many things you have in your life. Things as simple as clean air and water with which to nourish and cleanse, glistening drops of morning dew reflecting a rainbow, a place to rest and call your own, even your ability to read these words. It takes 21 days for a practice to become a habit. Set a goal that every day you will identify three things to be thankful and just after three short weeks, you won’t even consciously think about it any longer. It will simply become a part of what you do naturally.

Begin to think about challenges as a way to help you grow. This then gets to the core of the question, ‘Why is life so difficult?’ So many people view challenges as stopping points instead of seeing them for the opportunities they really are. Every time you hit a speed bump, be grateful for it. For without the speed bumps, we would not know how to appreciate the smooth, straight road that lies in front of us. And beyond this, we would have no comparison to appreciate all of the wonderful, simple things in life we truly have and perhaps take for granted.

Nothing is guaranteed, but each day we can be active participants in our own happiness. Life is only difficult if you choose for it to be. Give yourself permission to experience each and every day as another day to embrace growth, joy, and laughter.

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Type A Personality

I have labeled myself as a Type A personality. Now the reason I did this was because I thought it meant that I was a little overstrung, somewhat intense, and these collectively aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Keeps one on-task, sharp, and focused if you know what I mean. Turns out there are a whole list of characteristics assigned to Type A Behavior (TAB) and they are not necessarily good things either.

My journey to identify why I become overwhelmed easily led me to thinking about TAB in a different way. To begin with, overwhelmed is defined as engulfed, covered up completely, and/or overpowered in thought and feeling. Obviously, these are not good mental spaces to be so next I decided to look for strategies to address these feelings. One of the most effective strategies in my toolkit is to reframe my thinking. Sometimes we intensify our experience of stressful situations by the way we look at them.  If we can look at our situations differently, we may be able to put it into a different perspective which can have immediate benefits such as backing us off that edge.

This took me to the next thought which is what causes people, and me specifically, to go to these less than desirable mental states? How do we go from A to Z, calm to overwhelmed, in 2.2 seconds? A primary cause is our pattern of thinking and self sabotaging thought patterns. Thus, it is of primary importance for me, and perhaps you, to learn how to change the way I think and beyond this, to challenge what I think so that we are more capable of stepping away from the edge.

I have a need to know the “why” of things, so I decided to dig a little deeper. Enter TAB. While the term “Type A” is one of which I identified, I wasn’t sure what specific characteristics make up the “Type A” personality. Turns out some common characteristics are a sense of impatience and time urgency. These are commonly demonstrated by frustration waiting in lines or while driving, interrupting others often, walking or talking at a rapid pace, and a heightened awareness, sometimes painfully so, of the time and how little of it there is to spare. Free-floating hostility or aggressiveness show up on occasion through impatience, rudeness, being easily upset over small things, or quick-tempered. Can we say overwhelmed? And to complete our list of characteristics assigned TAB, you might find competitiveness, strong orientation toward achievement, and certain physical characteristics that result from clenched jaw, furrowed brow, and/or grinding of the teeth. Obviously, impatience, aggressiveness and others are not healthy emotional spaces. They will take a toll on our health and lifestyle. So how do we prevent ourselves from going there?

Full circle – change our thought patterns. With practice, we can alter our thinking patterns to more positive ones. We can learn to develop more trust in ourselves and in those around us, and we can soften our “Type A” tendencies. And while we are learning to transition to our more healthy thought patterns, we can fake it too. Even if we don’t always feel calm and peaceful, if we make a conscious choice to try to slow ourselves down, and be more patient with people, that behavior will most likely become more of a habit and begin to come more easily to us.

My family will chuckle when they read this because one of my favorite things to state while driving is, “Oh good, another opportunity to practice patience.” Type A behaviors can be controlled, changed, and reversed. We are empowered to choose how we will act or react. What will your choice be today?

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Question Your Beliefs

I’ve a person in my life with whom I have a great deal of respect. His humor is legendary, he lives his life fully aligned to his values, and he has a great deal of integrity. He is the type of person you want in your corner when the chips are down and also is the ‘must have’ guest on your invitation list. He is the life of the party, makes everyone feel at ease, and is genuinely interested in people’s lives. Simply put, this man is authentic. So I’m sure you can imagine how upset I must have been because I believed I was out of favor with him.

He said absolutely nothing to me, but it was what he didn’t say that spoke volumes. He didn’t chide, confront, or censure. He said nothing to me at all. And this, my friend, is what concerned me because we had reasons to communicate and collaborate, but he did not reach out to me – he just didn’t contact me. I spent three solid days running scripts in my head, evaluating past conversations, and just generally imagining a whole host of possible scenarios that might have occurred, or that could have been interpreted to have caused some possible offense. This situation came to a head when I had to meet with him.

Now by the time the meeting actually occurred, I had read myself the riot act so thoroughly that I was sullen and remorseful. He could not have said anything to me to make me feel worse than I already did or caused me to be more apologetic. Keep in mind; he had not communicated any ill feelings toward me. Instead, I was basing my assumption upon perceived behaviors and beliefs.

When we finally met, it was all so anti-climactic. He treated me as he normally does; reaching out to ensure all was well with me, and offering his support as he has done on so many occasions. So, for three days, I worked myself up in a fury over imagined injuries and all was for naught. My beliefs were unfounded, my assumptions wrongly concluded.

As I reflect over this situation, I have had some insight regarding this incident. Notably, why did I immediately jump to the conclusion that “I” had done something wrong? If he was angry with me (that was not the case), he would have experienced some event that caused him to process it and then choose to respond through anger. He would have owned these feelings as they were not mine to own. Perhaps then, instead of looking inward, I should have looked outward and reached out to him. Perhaps his lack of communication had nothing to do with me (and it turns out actually was), but he was experiencing some challenges of his own. Wasn’t this a perfect opportunity for me to return the support he offered me so readily?

The point is that your beliefs may be unfounded which can and do lead to false assumptions. These assumptions not only cause internal suffering, but also externally for those with whom you interact. Thus, challenge and question your beliefs. Don’t be afraid to test them for validity. Ask people with whom you trust to help you in this process. Get third-party perspectives because they are not closely tied to the situation and may be able to help you achieve clarity. And beyond this, be the type of leader, friend, or mentor you wish to be by modeling those behaviors you see in others that you respect and admire. This reciprocity will help grow your own skill-set, and in the eventuality you encounter situations such as the one that I described, you will have the resources within to fully manage them and create win-win outcomes.

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Attitude Adjustment

Have you ever had one of “those” days? You know the one where it seems as if “nothing” goes right? Yes, you know the ones that I’m writing about where you just wished the day was over and you could call it good. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why are you out of sorts and actually try to pinpoint the underlying unrest? In order to do this, approach it in a systematic way. Sometimes just the process of focusing your efforts on a remedy can help reframe your thoughts.

In today’s world where we are asked to do more with less, where we are running to keep pace with the speed of our lives, and where the pace of change outdistances our capacity to adjust, it’s no wonder we experience stress, worry, and low moods. This is the first step to rebalancing yourself – let yourself off the hook by realizing your life is happening and it’s ok to feel a bit on edge every now and again. What’s not ok is to remain stuck in this emotional state as this can be a forerunner of entering into a state of depression. If this is the case with you, I urge you to reach out to a counselor, coach, minister, or other mental health professional of your choosing. You don’t have to feel nor face this emotional pain alone.

The next step then is to try to identify what situations are causing the imbalance. Are you experiencing life changes in your career, relationships, family, or health? Are you simply overwhelmed with your “To Do” list? Do you feel as if there are not enough hours in the day?

Step three is to now focus and isolate the negative emotions you are experiencing as a result of the situation identified above. Some examples might include anger, disappointment, impatience, sadness, or frustration? Confront these negative emotions and begin to recognize your negative pattern of thinking. Now deliberately replace them with more positive, constructive thoughts and activities. Make a conscious effort to begin saying the word ‘yes’ more.

There you have it – an attitude readjustment in three simple and effective steps. And to reduce the frequency and duration of being out of sorts, be sure to take care of you. This means exercising at least 2 to 3 times a week, making healthy eating a lifestyle choice, and getting the appropriate amount of rest.

There are a number of simple lifestyle adjustments you can make to help yourself. These may include spending some time outdoors to reconnect with nature or planning time to indulge in your favorite activities and hobbies. Bottom line – you have the skills to identify your feelings, you have the ability to decide what your mood will be, and you are empowered to control your attitude instead of your attitude controlling you.

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The Journey Begins

As I write and publish my very first blog to ‘Be You Simply Better,’ I am struck with the anxiety of how to succinctly state my thoughts in 450 words or less. This means that I must stay on the main road (limited detours into the details) to effectively provide postcards from my journey to share my progress thus far. On occasion, I may do this because I believe it to be relevent to my note, but for the most part, greater detail can be explored one-on-one or through your posts and my responses. This said, here I go.

You may have noticed that my blog description, “The quest to become more than what we are today,” says a lot while saying little. Essentially, I am committed to transforming myself, and helping others to do the same, to achieve growth. That is growth in my ability to be self-aware and act upon my thoughts to achieve positive results such as personal empowerment, self actualization, internal reflections, and self acceptance. These are some of my descriptors, but let us not limit ‘growth’ per se because it means many things to many people and I wish to honor all of your descriptions too.

Notably, this is not to say that we are not enough today, because we most certainly are. Indeed, we are fabulous just as we are, and firmly believe we can become more so. And through this amazing, oftentimes crazy, but incredibly wonderful life we have, we sometimes get lost, yes? Break ups happen, divorces occur, loved ones die, children grow up, and well life happens. Clearly, in each one of these instances, growth opportunities are provided. That is if we are able and willing to access the wealth of resources we inherently have inside of us to overcome these obstacles placed in our paths.

My life’s journey, and I suspect yours also, is viewed in terms of an ongoing journey, traveler if you will, to find those key answers we seek to achieve our bliss be it happiness, joy, peace, or love.  It’s very simple actually. We are all explorers pursuing excellence in ourselves and others. I would be honored if you would join me on my quest and allow me to be your traveling partner in return.

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